Not-so-lovely Chaperones?

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elbee
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Not-so-lovely Chaperones?

Post by elbee »

A rare-poster looking for a bit of advice here...

Dd is rehearsing for a pro stage show just week, her first pro stage (tho she has had some fab TV experience). We have to drop and pickup at the stage door - which is different to TV where parents are often encouraged to chaperone - but I'm getting to used to it. Dd tells me that everyone is absolutely lovely and she's really enjoying it, except for one of the 2 chaperones. She says that the chaperone is always telling them to do things that are very reasonable (eg not eating in costume) but that she never says any of it in a very nice way. I noticed this when I picked up ad parents were told in a scolding tone by the chaperone to wait outside (it had been heavily raining and we'd been told by security that we could stand in the small entrance). Dd was also not allowed back in for a loo trip before our long drive home.

Anyway, when we have used chaperones before, they have always been very positive, supportive an encouraging, while also making sure kids are safe and not doing things they shouldn't. This particular one takes a more strict teacher approach, and while I see that has some advantages, it does mean I couldn't see my daughter going to tell her if she felt unwell or worried or something - basically her broader wellbeing. The other chaperone is lovely, and I've said she should try to stay close to her, but she feels the strict one domineers and tends to take charge anyway.

Wondered about speaking to agency, but worried my expectations are maybe not quite right so thought I'd gauge thoughts here first? Don't want to seem ungrateful for the opportunity, but this wasnt what I expected from chaperoning...
TalyaB
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Re: Not-so-lovely Chaperones?

Post by TalyaB »

DS has done two WE shows and we've had very mixed experience of chaperones - most are lovely, supportive and you feel the children are in not just competent, but caring, hands. Others (unfortunately a significant minority) seem to regard children with any personality at all as an inconvenience. We've always just encouraged him to tread carefully around those ones where possible - bit like those school teachers everyone comes across at some point who seem to be wholly unsuited to working with children or other people at all. Best of luck and I hope it goes well for your DD.
elbee
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Re: Not-so-lovely Chaperones?

Post by elbee »

Thanks talyab, guess there's always going to be a few like that, and i always try to remember it's a chance to learn about how to cope with the not-so-nice people in the world. just a shame they don't screen for this when recruiting chaperones!! ](*,)
fartoomuchtodo
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Re: Not-so-lovely Chaperones?

Post by fartoomuchtodo »

Not had this experience with chaps as ours have been lovely but similar to TaylaB's post it's surely a bit like school? And sometimes, you find the strictest teachers are the nicest in the end. Good luck!
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CatKat_0
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Re: Not-so-lovely Chaperones?

Post by CatKat_0 »

I think the chaperones are generally strict to ensure the kids remain safe and understand the rules of the theatre. I think it's rather like teachers too - the kids just need to get used to different personality styles.

If you feel it's really bad though - it's not worth making your child unhappy even for a professional role - I'd just tread carefully on how you approach the subject. I'd recommend speaking to the concerned person directly rather than via the agent but that's just my thoughts.
begolina
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Re: Not-so-lovely Chaperones?

Post by begolina »

I always had very good experiences with chaperones although very limited because my children didn't have long professional experiences, but I think that a chaperone can ruin a nice atmosphere and also what should be nice memories for the children. I think should be advisable that at least when the run is finished parents should let it know to the production so he/she eventually is not going to be used again. If he/she is not suitable for the job why let him/her do it over and over again?

The chaperone is not a teacher, is a carer (sorry for the runt but I did have a similar experience in the past with people running half term activities, I really don't understand why people that don't have much manner with children choose to work with them ](*,) ).
fartoomuchtodo
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Re: Not-so-lovely Chaperones?

Post by fartoomuchtodo »

Hmm.. OK this probably won't go down too well with some people but I'm going to have to back up Jomist here. I too am a chaperone but rarely look after any but my own child. That said I come across as strict to others I know. Last year my DS was lead in a show that had a large cast of children in a choir. There were 3 rotating choirs and his was widely known as the worst behaved of the lot! (not his fault I don't think!)

I sat in the green room throughout nearly all his performances and watched as the chaperones tried to i) get all the children registered ii) get them all to costume/makeup & back iii) try to keep them quiet back stage, stop them spilling cola/ribena/chocolate etc etc down their costume during off-stage times iv) get them all on and off stage at the right time and quietly and v) out of costume and back to the right parent at the end.

Not an easy job in itself but the chaps were constantly pestered by parents 'Jonnie's got a bit of a sore leg tonight', 'Susan doesn't like wearing that dress - can she change it', 'We need to get home quickly - can Martin come down 1st please', 'we're going to dinner so can't pick Anna up 'til half an hour later - can you stay with her after the show please?'. Genuinely - parents can be a pain. The children can be worse - after they left the green room I would help the lady doing teas etc right all the chairs, pick up the sweetie wrappers, wipe up the spills they had left and they seemed to have no concept of quiet either. A few times the director or stage manager would have to come in and tell them off.

Obviously this doesn't apply to all kids and I know this lot were especially troublesome but I know that some parents complained about the head chaperone saying she had shouted at their child etc. Sometimes the poor woman could only be heard if she raised her voice, at others she was telling the kids to get down off tables of stop climbing on the windowsills - things that were a real health & safety risk. A chaperones first responsibility is the well-being and safety of your child - if they are failing in this then you have every reason to complain if not then, just like teachers, there are different personalities and kids just have to learn that that's what makes the world go round!.

One last point - to be a chaperone you HAVE to like children - believe me it's not a job you'd choose otherwise ;)
elbee
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Re: Not-so-lovely Chaperones?

Post by elbee »

Oh I can relate fartoomuchtodo, I've chaperoned for their stage school several times, and have certainly had to be authoritative with them (the noise!!!) But...this chaperone wasn't just being authoritative / strict from how its been described - my dd is a teachers pet, and I think the chaperone's approach was hard for her as she'd hate to do anything 'wrong' (perfectionist, but thats a problem for another day...) Yesterday, dd was shouted at for asking the chaperone quietly if she could move so that she could see the person talking to everyone (I think the cast were all being told something and she was at the back). However, the chaperone2 took her aside later and told her that she had also been shouted at by chaperone1, and that if she is ever upset by it, she can go and talk to her - which is basically what I was worried about / hoping for.

I get what your saying jomist - never been backstage for a pro production, but have seen the stress of stage school shows so can certainly imagine it. But you can be caring and authoritative at the same time - harder under stress, but is that not the challenge of the job?

Anyway I just didn't want it to make her first experience negative, and sooooo pleased that it looks like it won't; she says the cast and crew are amazing and inspiring, and she's loving performing. so proud of her :D
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obsteve
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Re: Not-so-lovely Chaperones?

Post by obsteve »

Chaperones need to look after the wellbeing of the children, which IMO means ensuring their emotional comfort.

There is strict (which is important) and there is mean. Chaperones should enforce rules strictly without being mean. There is absolutely no need to be mean and, as it is detrimental to a child's emotional wellbeing, it is not welcome on set or behind the scenes

It's hard as a young person to stand up to mean grown-ups (particularly the ones in charge), so I would recommend a friendly parental contact, perhaps mentioning no names but asking politely to ensure the emotional wellbeing of your LO is seen to.

Hope it works out. Tell your LO to stand tall and "nil carborundum" ;)

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fartoomuchtodo
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Re: Not-so-lovely Chaperones?

Post by fartoomuchtodo »

Elbee, despite my previous post it does sound to me as though this woman may be struggling with her role, especially telling is that she's shouted at other chaperones! Your DDs happiness is the most important thing and not worth sacrificing for any role. I would try speaking to her agent and, if you can, to the chaperone herself telling her that your DD has been upset on occasion. How long is the job? If it's just a week or two it's a really different scenario to a 6 month run.
elbee
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Re: Not-so-lovely Chaperones?

Post by elbee »

It's only 3 weeks, and I get very little opportunity to talk to the chaperone. Dd is also adamant that she doesn't want me to talk to her - she says I can only speak to the childcare manager (who I never see), and I don't want her worrying about that on her first night. I think knowing she's supported by the other chaperone and the other girl who has another part in the show makes me feel easier about it. But I'll keep my eye on it and politely challenge her or something if it feels appropriate.

It does make me wonder a bit about the role of the professional chaperone. When I was one for Dd, it was a BBC thing where everything was ultra-child-wellbeing focussed, so I never really thought about what a chaperones role is about as it was clear it was all about the child being big safe, secure and happy. This chat has made me rethink chaperoning, and what it's about / who it's for etc. Nervous about putting my thoughts on that tho, I'm anxious that my chat might be offending someone in some way (and if it does, really sorry...) But I do think that's a valuable thing to be clarified (and probably has been somewhere...)
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Re: Not-so-lovely Chaperones?

Post by paulears »

Some chaperones can be horrible. I've had to get rid of the odd one - nice to some, nasty to others, and from time to time, you get one who's sole aim seems to be to be an old fashioned head mistress, who upsets the kids and the other chaperones. Occasionally they even pop up on Facebook and slag off the production - and this to me is totally unacceptable behaviour. I won't allow these people to spoil it for the kids, and their paperwork looks brilliant - however a few phone calls soon shows that they are always like this.

If the kids are licensed, then the Company Manager will have reams of paperwork and policies on child protection - and complaints WILL be taken seriously. If you complain, be aware it will cause some problems with some people's attitude to you, but these people are not worth worrying about. Any child who is suffering because of hard nosed chaperones needs to speak up.

My experience is balanced - sometimes the complaints are justified, and I have taken action. Other complaints are because of X being treated differently to Y, and sometimes these are less each to deal with, and usually pointed at a chaperone who has a child in the show, who gets the benefit of the doubt.
fartoomuchtodo
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Re: Not-so-lovely Chaperones?

Post by fartoomuchtodo »

Certainly no offence taken her Elbee :) You should feel able to express your thoughts & feelings - as I said before - the differences make the world go round.

What I would say is that in my experience there's a big difference between a one-to-one (or 2 or 3) TV chaperone and stage productions where there are several chaps and a lots of kids.

The most important thing is she enjoys her 3 weeks. I'm sure she will and I hope it gets easier for you as it goes on x
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Re: Not-so-lovely Chaperones?

Post by francescasmum »

I am a teacher and a chaperone and I would say chaperoning is far, far harder. One of the reasons is that the kids often come in hyped up or very nervous (depending on their experience, the role and their personality). They are there for the fun of it, which isn't necessarily the case when they go to school :roll: and so don't want to be told to sit down and be quiet, they are with like minded people which always breads excitement and enthusiasm which can be difficult to curtail (I've been in a room full of maths teachers and the noise was deafening!) and they are meeting up with friends they might not get to see as often as there everyday school friends which also builds excitement and conversation. Basically it is a totally different situation to the class room and so should be approached differently.
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Re: Not-so-lovely Chaperones?

Post by pg »

I've been a chaperone - and I think it's a difficult job, especially in a crowded dressing room. One's duty as chaperone should be to the children - but it's usually complicated by being required to consider the needs of the producer and the show. Ideally there should be a company manager responsible for discipline I think - but this is often quite impractical backstage at a theatre. One person can't be everywhere at once.

I was generally a "good" child - and I worried terribly if I was told off. Looking back on it, I think I perceived some instructions as criticisms. Some children are much more sensitive to criticism (and tone) than others. I can remember feeling sad and guilty when being told to be quiet and sit still when I was being quiet and sitting still. I took the "general" instruction as direct criticism.

Judging how best to keep people quiet is a very difficult job. That's true in adult companies too! (Even professional ones).
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