Showing off?

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daisy1
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Showing off?

Post by daisy1 »

Just some advice needed really.......

My DD has got through the 'auditions' to perform at her primary school summer concert next week. She will be singing Naughty from Matilda. The problem we have is she is being brought down by some of her classmates who are whispering behind her back that she 'thinks she's the best/greatest, she's such a show off.' She is good (even if I say so myself), and she acts out and performs the song really well. She loves performing, schoolwork really isn't her thing, neither are sports, and so she feels this is her real chance to shine. She is not a precocious child, and does not shout about her achievements at all (we have also encountered 'schadenfreude') even though she has done really well and been in two professional shows - she didn't even tell her classmates she was in the last one!

It is a small, one form entry school, and DD has been with the same children since Year R (and she is now in Year 5). Some of the other children like to sing too, but as DD has had training and experience she comes across as more confident in performing. There are some other hugely talented musical children in the school playing Grade 4 and 5 pieces on their instruments, but they don't get the grief that my DD does, instead they are respected! Is it just because everyone wants to be a singer? And how do I stop my DD from just throwing it in and not performing next week so she doesn't get all this grief? The school and teachers are aware of it. ](*,) :-({|=
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bruno2
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Re: Showing off?

Post by bruno2 »

Your not alone Im afraid :( My dd was never aloud to sing solo in grade 5, she always had to share the song with a few others, as parents would complain and yet the children who were good at sports and instruments were aloud to shine. I do feel for you. Although in her leaving assembly she was aloud to sing several solo performances. Dont worry as she gets older things get much much better and the children are more mature and appreciate a good voice. Good luck :lol:
tinkermiya
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Re: Showing off?

Post by tinkermiya »

My DD is also in Y5 and we had a similar problem. Unfortunately the school were less than supportive and she was never given a leading part in any school production and never sang solo in all the years she was there. They didn't want to cause potential problems with jealousy!! Imagine applying the same logic to the football team and not playing the best players in case the others felt left out. :?

For a few years DD didn't care what the others thought and would sing and dance and put on shows in the playground, or anywhere she could. By Y4 she had started to shrink into herself and never told anyone about the things she did outside of school. She was a different person in school - quiet and lacking confidence.

We did throw the towel in, I'm afraid, and moved her to a different school at the start of this year (hugely difficult decision). The new school openly celebrates all the girls' achievements in whatever field and have monthly assemblies where they can perform if they want to. DD has sung solo in many of these, and the music teacher (who is a chorister) regularly sends younger girls to her for help with singing musical theatre style songs.

It's difficult to know what to do for the best. If your DD is happy and wants to perform then she should go for it. If the school are supportive and celebrate her talent, then maybe her classmates will too. As long as she is happy, that's all that matters. It's a great song and she'll have lots of fun performing it.
daisy1
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Re: Showing off?

Post by daisy1 »

Thanks Tinkermiya and Bruno2- it is really good to know that we are not the only ones who feel frustrated by this. Not that it's good it is happening as much as it seems to be.....

DD really loves performing. She is so excited about next week's concert. It is just the attitude of some of the other kids. The school are supportive of the work she does, they don't talk about it, which is great - it means she can just get on with normal life, especially when there is nothing going on. However, sometimes I feel they have played it down almost too much - DD (and me) feel that we can't really talk about it to other mums or children for fear of being thought of as bragging. There is little music in the school, apart from this one concert, and DD is in the choir (though told to sing more quietly), though she hasn't been invited to join the smaller singing group, I guess for fear of her overpowering it. She has a strong musical theatre voice and is not a choral singer really, so I haven't pushed it as DD doesn't seem that worried. The thing she hates is when kids talk behind her back and tell others that she is a show off.

We have been through the whole 'do we pull her out of this school' thing, and decided against it as this sort of problem is not constant and only seems to come up when they do this summer concert and the Christmas play. I do get a strong feeling of the school not wanting to cause jealousy, and I worry for her with regards to the Christmas play, as she will be in Y6 (and as a rule they get all the main roles). We also have one very unsupportive teacher who seems to think DD is precocious and was talking and laughing with another teacher through her performance last year - and then didn't clap at the end of it! It took all of my self-control not to question her about it! I think I will if she behaves like that again this year...
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Flosmom
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Re: Showing off?

Post by Flosmom »

Your DDs school will have an anti-bullying policy and this is a good time to ask them to enact it. Her school friends need to understand that their behaviour is not acceptable. Hopefully this will help them to address their motivation for their behaviour and make the changes they need to make.

Your DD needs to know that their behaviour is not her fault and she does not have to tolerate it. Taking her to a different school makes her the victim twice, so the school should support her to get through this without loss of self-esteem.

Flo doesn't get bullied. If anything kicks off, she is on it straight away, plus she has a group of friends who are very pleased and proud to have her around and want her to teach them to sing too, which she does. But I really relate to Tinkermiya's posting...last Xmas Flo was told that she couldn't have a lead role in the school play because she had been a lead the year before and so it was someone else's turn. She didn't care a jot - she had quite a lot of other things on at the time - but I had a huge laugh asking the Head Teacher to let me know when Flo would be captaining the soccer team, since surely it must be her turn soon? The Head Teacher 'got' the joke and had the good grace to blush a bit. And then, a few days later, had to ask Flo to teach some school friends how to sing 'Castle on a Cloud' because no-one else in the school knew it well enough.

Anyway, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger - as long as you have the love and support of people who care - so good luck to your DD and go be pushy with the school.

And maybe your daughter might want to learn Jessie J's 'Whose laughing now' as her next party piece?

Hope this helps

Deb x
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riverdancefan
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Re: Showing off?

Post by riverdancefan »

I really understand your issues completely
I do think the problem is worse or can be worse in the lower years , 4,5,6. DS has never been allowed or encouraged to share his skills or talents at school. I recall he was asked to do a heavy jig one St Patricks day which he loved, but every single production or display has had DS placed at the back or in a chorus whilst the kids who are clearly not in the same league get leads and usually make a complete hash of the thing!
DS has never ever moaned at school and gets on with what he is given.
Meanwhile the football, gym and disco dancing trophy winners were congratulated in assemblies and put on the achievers boards. my DS who had been given a scholarship to IC and achieved a 96% in his tap exam, indeed had just filmed for the BBC never got a well done even from his tutor.
I also remember with some amusement DS in year 5 entered the school talent competition heats and was eliminated as his fellow class judges didn't think he was good enough to go through to the final show!! We had a laugh about that one!
DS has sung solo in church services and also is always rolled out for the solo in " once in Royal DAvid's City" as he is the sweetest treble! And certainly things have improved since he moved to a new school for year 7. This school is a fair school and gives praise to all including DS , where it is due, much more mature than excluding him from praise and congratulations because the teachers feel ( I am positive) he gets enough attention. ](*,)
Thankfully he is a lovely polite and quite humble lad and he really doesn't give a rats backside, but as a younger child he did notice it and wondered why he was sometimes quite deliberately overlooked for stuff !
Since then we have realised this happens ALL the time in the performing world, and even though he may be the most talented, someone with a specific look gets cast ;) #-o , so it's been good practice for him I guess!!
It will get better for her I am sure, but there does seem to be a very specific type of hate and envy directed at performing children that footballers, cricketers , karate kids etc don't appear to have directed at them......
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mathsmum
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Re: Showing off?

Post by mathsmum »

guys - your kids' school are just nasty!

i have often wonderd if most primaries are like this, or if it is just that those whose kids are suffering (understandably) need to vent

my 2 went to the local junior school, which is full of seriously 'challenged' kids, academically, socially and behaviourally - they're known as schools where kids try to kill each other in the playground - but also there are kids who get scholarships to the local independants, shine at sports and music etc

the only issue either of them have had has been little fans following them and a bit of fan-ish mobbing in the playground

maybe the school's accepting and inclusive policy, valuing each kid for what they are, rubs off on the kids - or maybe its scrubby reputation kept the yummy mummies who could foster jealousy away

anyway - it so can be done - so shame on your kids' schools for not
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Genevieve
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Re: Showing off?

Post by Genevieve »

daisy1 - it's very typical - Your dd has a singing role, so she'll shine, and the school have put her forward to show her talent because they recognise she'll be good at it. Any child who is good at a musical instrument tends not to get the same grief - those whispering kids will just have to put up with it and your dd musn't let their jealousy (which is really 'envy') put her off.
All our dcs have to rise above this kind of thing, no matter what they excel at and they'll look back on such times when they're older, and just remember what part they played in a school play, what song they sang, and you'll remind her how good she was.
I also think that if these girls arn't being given enough to do, and are not concentrating, and are being allowed to sit and natter, the teachers should move them so they're not distracted - you'd have thought that as the school had noticed their behaviour, they'd be doing more to teach these girls how to treat others and about respect ! As has been said, it's so typical of girls at Primary Schools, and as long as the school makes sure the others who also like to sing get their chance at some point too, it'll all sort itself out (the whisperers probably wouldn't be that comfortable singing solo anyway). I would just help your dd not to worry about them, and do what she loves doing. Rise above it,....Ignore the schadenfraudes ! [-(
daisy1
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Re: Showing off?

Post by daisy1 »

Thank you all, so nice to have support on here! Have talked to DD this evening about today's day at school, and she said there was only one nasty comment that she was aware of. We have decided to try a new tack. I explained to her that people are only mean like this when they are insecure and unhappy in themselves, and the children that compliment her are happy in themselves. We have talked about methods of dealing with it, and instead of being a victim (and me going in to complain to the school AGAIN!) she has decided that she is going to try and compliment everyone in the class (individually, and hopefully not too obviously!) next week, starting especially with the girls who have been a bit snide, so they don't feel as insecure. They all have their own talents - gymnastics, violin, drawing, etc, so DD feels this should be quite easy. Leading by example. Let's hope she can manage it!
sophiesocks
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Re: Showing off?

Post by sophiesocks »

What a great approach daisy1 and I agree with you entirely about other peoples insecurities causing jealousy. Good luck to her :)
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bruno2
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Re: Showing off?

Post by bruno2 »

Well done to your dd. what a lovely mature young lady you have there. I know what Id like to say to them :x :x :x :x
mathsmum
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Re: Showing off?

Post by mathsmum »

i was having a Hard Think about this

when it comes to a musical instrument, academia, even sporting success eny fule no that you have to work at it, and even then you have to have the appropriate aptitudes to start with to really hit the heights

tv talent shows and the strange crew that end up on 'eastenders' and other soaps give the impression that acting, singing and dancing just - well, happen - with little work and even with little natural aptitude

these jealous kids and mums don't see the hard work that goes in, and there's this 'huh- that could be me - why isn't it?' snarking

sadly - in the us, this attitude has started to apply to academia - i know it does happen here, but, i think, less so - so high-achieving academic kids also get bullied
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sophiesocks
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Re: Showing off?

Post by sophiesocks »

we have been very lucky so far, nobody has said anything negative to dd and school have been really supportive, and even announce her successes in the school newsletter, which seems to get a positive response from other parents, we have had a mum at her drama group who didn't seem to take it very well and made a few strange comments, but apart from her there hasn't been any difficulties, dd doesn't talk about what she does much as she is a typical 6 year old and forgets about stuff 5 minutes after its happened, but i think it would a be a real shame if she had to deliberately keep it to herself because of how others might respond :(
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bruno2
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Re: Showing off?

Post by bruno2 »

Well said mathsmum "these jealous kids mums do not realise how hard kids in drama really work". My dd recently been rehearsing for two shows and exams all happening within the next two weeks. Today she has been rehersing from 11 - 8.30 pm and its been like this for weeks and also straight from school until 10.00 pm all next week. The kids work their socks off but love every minute of it. :)
daisy1
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Re: Showing off?

Post by daisy1 »

DD had her performance yesterday. Still some sniping at school....but she's rising above it and doing it anyway! :) Really proud!

http://youtu.be/hRVhXR-hEWA
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